i will never bake cookies again

I wanted to make a batch of cookies for
anonymous boxer's blog party. i chose a recipe i found on the sick twisted site known as "all recipes.com" and found "the best sugar cookies ever" with 40, yes 40 rave reviews. i made the dough and selected 2 cookie cutters in the shapes of a chicken and scottie dog, cause, let's face it, nothing says "christmas" like chickens and scotty dogs.

i made the dough and was worried...4 eggs? its going to be "cakey" not "chewy" but i was committed and trusted in the 40 rave reviews. it said the dough would need to chill for an hour. i put it in the fridge to chill good-n-hard overnight, and went to bed.

i never really slept. i had a horrible headache and wasnt sure if it was the newly installed bionic neckpiece or a sugar hangover from all the raw dough i ate. at 5:15, i gave up and got up, dialed 400 on the oven and got the dough out, head still banging.

the dough was a sticky hideous mess. no amount of flour on the rolling surface or other gimmicks such as rolling between waxed paper or parchment changed the outcome: i couldnt get a cookie cut without prying the dough out of the cutter. and i could only cut one or two before the dough had to go back into the fridge. in 20 minutes i had four cookies worthy of going to the oven. i watched in horror as the chicken shapes spread first into fat turkeys, and then into a blob resembling a teapot with a gopher head sticking out of the top.

the cookies had an ugly mottled surface; crackly and not too appetizing. on the scotties it made sense: just like a real scotty with eczema and a thousand dollar a year prednisone bill. all that was missing from the chicken cookies was salmonella. i frosted the chick with the appropriate surface decoration.



for my effort i had exactly this many cookies..what you see on this plate...before i threw the dough into the trash. i took a painkiller. then came the kitchen clean-up; a collosal chore thanks to the mortar like dryed dough that found its way onto every surface in the kitchen as well as the carpet thanks to trout, who had snuck some dough out of the trash and had gotten all lovey-dovey with it.

but there's always a way to salvage a failed effort. instead of taking cookies to anonymous boxers party, i will offer as my gift new vanilla flavored driveways for everybody!!